Well hello there, fellow member of a civilized, modern society.
Surely, somewhere in your head, is a map of your life, and on the horizon, you see things like a career, a house, a partner, children. Somewhere just below the surface of your inner conscious, you see yourself coming to a warm home from work to a loving spouse (or the equivalent of), making supper, and bringing the kids to soccer, or ballet, or theatre recital.
My point is that you have a future in your head and it includes a family. Someone to welcome you home, and also little people to take care of, to love and to teach. And that's normal. And then maybe again, you're like me, and kids... well, they're a no.
Now here's the thing. It's not that I don't like kids. In fact, I love them. You give me a child and I will have a blast with them for hours on end. I'll colour in Disney princesses and run around in the grass and have conversations about primary school drama. And then I'll really enjoy giving them back to you. I plan on being that really cool aunt who takes her sibling's kids out on her days out and sends them back at sunset, completely sun burnt and hyped up on ice cream and chocolate and with multiple exciting adventures they can rattle off until their parents put a toothbrush into their tiny mouths and send them to bed. But taking care of a child 24/7? Nah. Having a tiny little thing under my supervision and my full responsibility scares the crap out of me.
I mean, I know nothing about life. How am I supposed to help navigate someone clean and bright and new and shiny and trustful and how am I supposed to handle when they get it all wrong and crash and get hurt and it's all my fault? I mean, I can get up and keep going, but brushing dirt off my child's face as they mess up repeatedly through life? I don't think I can handle hurting for someone AND feeling guilty for it too.
And not only that, but I plan on being busy, all the time. All. The. Time. And for myself, too, not doing things for other people. Call me selfish, but running off to drive my child because they forgot to get a sheet signed for a school trip or because they missed the bus or because they plain old forgot, just doesn't interest me (and I'd like to insert a heartfelt apology to my mother here. Sorry for the multiple impromptu begged rides, mom.). What if I want a career? What if I want to pick up and go off to the Caribbean and sip on booze for a week? You can't do that if you have children. I mean, you can't even do that if you have a dog, for Pete's sake.
Oh, and as long as we're being brutally honest here, what if my child doesn't have it easy in life? And by this, I mean, what if I end up with a child that is remarkably non-good-looking, or socially awkward, or not particularly intelligent? I'm not sure I want to deal with the implications that come with that, especially once they start going to school, where there are children. Cruel, cruel other children.
Because children are cruel. They probably don't do it on purpose. But something in their little brains, or maybe a weird version of the Napoleon syndrome pushes them to say dumb things that hurt others and brings them down to their levels. I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to deal with hissy fits and teenage horrors and their rookie mistakes.
Last but not least, I really, really don't want to get pregnant. It just freaks me out. I find the body of a pregnant woman beautiful. The idea that she might create and give life, and the amount of love she will feel for that bundle of human flesh and snot actually, literally makes my heart flutter with joy. But the idea of myself becoming a balloon, and the feel of my stretched skin and the idea of pushing what is essentially a parasite out of my body during several hours makes me cringe. I just can't do it.
So here's the bottom line, guys. When I say "I don't want children.", I don't want to hear any variation of:
- Oh you'll change your mind, you'll see
- Oh, you just don't know what you'll miss out
- Oh, you're young. Of course you don't want kids now.
- What if you fall in love with a man who wants kids?
Keep this in mind. Right now, in this moment, I am not considering having kids in my life. In any part of my life. And it is incredibly frustrating to have to explain it to every single person that I speak to. I know what raising a child is. My mother had 6, and I saw all of us go through the same phases. I extensively took care of my two little brothers for at least four years. I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what I'll be "missing out on". And if I fall in love with someone who wants kids, we'll either talk it out, or part ways if our respective views on offspring outshine our need for each other.
So, no, don't give me a fucking condescending look if I say I don't want a crotch devil anywhere in my life. And don't give me fucking soothing words of advice. I have at least five perfectly good reasons to not give birth and raise a child. I'm not stupid though: I realize I might change my mind in the future. But right now, if you ask me "do you want children?" and I respond with a negative, I will slap that look off your face, and shove your own shirt down your throat if you open it to try to make me admit that I'll want some at some point. Because, according to my point of view right now, no. I won't.
PS: for the sake of not arguing with anyone later on, keep in mind that I have considered foster children if I don't end up having a heavy career and I am also not averse to marriage, even if it's not something that I actively think of or have planned, as demonstrated by the lack of a "wedding" board on my Pinterest.
