This post is entirely about me and my inability to date, so if you're not interested in me, you can stop reading. You can also go join a Nickelback fan page, since you're not into interesting stuff anyway, apparently.
I was speaking to my mother about a date I'd been on, and I mentioned that I'd been unimpressed and that I was going to die alone with cats.
"Of course you're going to die alone, you're always unimpressed," was the answer I'd received.
While it wasn't the most heart-warming thing my maternal element could have said, it wasn't new. I was never known as the girl who fell in love. I never got attached. And I was never interested in sharing my life with people.
I could go on about how in high school I was uninterested in boys, and then I realized that putting my walls up and taking jabs from behind my shield at people who had intentionally left their defenses down wasn't being strong, it was being an asshole, ect ect, but let's drop the life story and cut to the chase.
I'm alone because I like being alone. I enjoy manufacturing my own happiness. I buy myself pizza. I take me out for coffee. I write poems describing the inner turmoils and poems who start with "Oh, let me count the ways I love thee" and I'm the only one that feels truly understands me. If I want flowers, flowers will show up at my doorstep. I'll never feel guilty about receiving chocolate but not wanting to eat it because I'm on a diet. I am content.
I'm alone because I like being alone. I enjoy manufacturing my own happiness. I buy myself pizza. I take me out for coffee. I write poems describing the inner turmoils and poems who start with "Oh, let me count the ways I love thee" and I'm the only one that feels truly understands me. If I want flowers, flowers will show up at my doorstep. I'll never feel guilty about receiving chocolate but not wanting to eat it because I'm on a diet. I am content.
Of course, there are sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to receive happiness from someone else. A different brand of happiness. Other people seem happy with it. Of course, I get myself a mochaccino if I want, but what about times where I don't know I want a mochaccino and someone gets it for me?
I think there's a difference between the happiness I get by being alone, which is satisfaction, and the happiness I could find through someone else, which is something closer to joy.
Nevertheless, the only reason I try dating is because people around me are so concerned about my non-dating. At Christmas, I received countless comments about the fact that I was alone. I started making efforts, but now that I'm constantly seeing someone new, I receive countless judgemental and uncomfortable silences from people I mention it to.
I think there's a difference between the happiness I get by being alone, which is satisfaction, and the happiness I could find through someone else, which is something closer to joy.
Nevertheless, the only reason I try dating is because people around me are so concerned about my non-dating. At Christmas, I received countless comments about the fact that I was alone. I started making efforts, but now that I'm constantly seeing someone new, I receive countless judgemental and uncomfortable silences from people I mention it to.
I think we all need to accept that it won't work out because I don't want it to work out. I don't want to lose my independence, I don't want to be anchored to someone else, I don't want my decisions to have an impact on someone else.
I've fallen into a nice routine of having a beer paired with small talk, a couple texts, smiley faces, a inevitable dying out of keeping in touch and a expected, but uncalled for "Hey ;)" four months later, as though they've suddenly run out of options on Tinder or in the real world or wherever people get potentials nowadays and I'm the oasis in the desert. Unfortunately for y'all, I seem to be a mirage, as I am unreachable at that point.
Of course, this whole routine is another subject I want to talk about, but enough for tonight.
I just wanted to get it out there: I won't date. And if other's don't want to date, that's fine. Don't make comments. Don't insinuate things. Let them find happiness in reading a book alone over a coffee exactly as they like it, and let them gently float in the knowledge that the will be able to toss and turn and not feel overheated in their bed tonight, holding their own hand if need be (Uh, hello, we have two for a reason, people.).
Of course, this whole routine is another subject I want to talk about, but enough for tonight.
I just wanted to get it out there: I won't date. And if other's don't want to date, that's fine. Don't make comments. Don't insinuate things. Let them find happiness in reading a book alone over a coffee exactly as they like it, and let them gently float in the knowledge that the will be able to toss and turn and not feel overheated in their bed tonight, holding their own hand if need be (Uh, hello, we have two for a reason, people.).
