My tattoo

Ok so here goes. I'll give yous a quick run through of my tattoo, because so many people ask me that I may as well send them to this page.

I designed the concept about a year and a half ago: "I can" in black, with the apostrophe and the "t" written in white ink. If the white ink doesn't look like a scar enough, I'm getting it cut into my skin.  The idea behind is is that I've gotten rid of the negativity. I still have the scars, but once I stop being pessimistic, everything is possible.
It only became more important for me to get it once my friend committed suicide. It reminds me that the easy way out is often actually the hardest, maybe not for me, but for everyone else.

It will also by in my own hand writing, not only because I've always pictured it like that, but also, I like the idea that it is my idea, not a quote, not a robot that typed it out. I want the "I" to be written in that distinct way that I make mine, because it is my struggles, mine.

It took me a long time to get the placement right. It's such an original idea (no, dearest brother, I didn't get it from Pinterest. I'm sure someone else thought of it before me, but I actually did think of it myself, all on my own), I didn't want it on my wrist, and it's too small to get it on my hip, which I have a weird obssession with (my second tattoo will definitely be there). Same with my rib cage, and I hate the shoulder placement.
My chest has always been a sensitive spot for me, but it became even more so when a friend of mine tried to take advantage of me: he held me by the throat, his hand stretching to my chest. I therefore figured my chest was a good idea. The collar bone really attracted me, but it's too high to hide it easily. I had to figure out where to put it, and right between my breasts was like the worst idea ever.
It will therefore be right above my left breast, not as a sexualized idea, but rather because I can hide it easily if I chose to, but I can wear a low-cut but not slutty shirt and show it off.
I've picked the left side because the left side of the brain is the logical hemisphere, and seeing as I am the most un-emotional person I know, and that logic got me over every struggle I've experienced, it just wouldn't make sense to put it on the right. I'm also right handed, so if I were to write it on myself, it would have to be on the left.


There, you have it. So to all of you saying that it's a stupid idea, I know. I know to you, when I say it out loud, it's cheesy and I may regret it in some years. That's ok. It's in an area that I can hide it if I chose to, and it's a reminder. It's supposed to be there in the moments when I want no one to be there with me.
So just wait till I get it before shooting me a disbelieving look.
I know I can't wait.

Love

I don't think I've ever been in love. I've had some pretty serious crushes: I was on and off with a guy for a whole two years, never able to fully get over him until lately. I *really* liked the guy. But I don't think it was love. I had a six month crush on some guy in 6th grade. In my defense, he was really good looking as an 11 year old. I think, though, that any amount of things may make me fall in love, someday.

I think that if I was making chocolate pudding at four am and he walked in and said "Is that chocolate pudding?" and I would say "Yes, would you like some?" and he would say either "No, thank you, I'm tired. I'll go back to bed" or "Yes please, I will sit down with you and have some pudding and maybe a light conversation", I would fall in love a little bit. Because you know how many people would say "Why are you making chocolate pudding at four in the morning?" ? Too many people.

And I think if he understood that my idea of a perfect date is nachos and video games at two am, I would fall in love. Because I don't like going out. I don't like PDA. I don't like people around us seeing how I would look at him. So even though I suck at video games and have MAD gamer rage, if he can watch me fail at shooting people and scream profanity at a bunch or random strangers while trying to manage a string of melted cheese, I would fall in love.

I think that if I was shivering and he gave me his sweater, I would fall in love. Because I fucking love oversized sweaters. And probably his smell.

I think if he knew that when something that I obsess over (like school. Or nerdy things.) is going badly, my world is suddenly all gray and I hate everything, I would fall in love. Because it would mean that he listens.

I think if he was the type to sit and do his own thing while I studied or read, quite in silence, I would fall in love. Because there's nothing better than having a connection with someone without having to talk.

I think if he knew how to make myself feel better about a body I hate and a personality I'm desperately trying to fight, I would fall in love. Maybe because a part of me is trying to love myself. Maybe because I need to know that someone doesn't see my flaws. Maybe because it's so nice to know someone thinks you're great. I just know that if someone manages to make me fall in love with myself, I would have no choice but to fall in love with him.

This is all theoretical, of course. I don't actually know what will make me fall in love. And it's not something I'm rushing towards. Looking forward too, maybe. Because I was trapped in a emotion void for so long that letting myself feel and show emotions is the most refreshing thing I've every tried. So, I'm looking forward to it, but I don't want to run head first into it. Because that's stupid. And I'm not stupid. And if he sees that, then I'm sure to fall in love with him. I just know it.

School's out

Wooot! I finally wrote my last exam, way back this morning.
I wish I could say it went well, but none of them did. I was so confident for bio, but I checked my answers (they're mulitple choice and the answers are posted right after the exam) and for some reason, I did pretty terrible. I blanked in chemistry and I didn't study nearly enough for math.
This was the semester that I was supposed to pass, but that didn't quite work out as planned. The worst part is that I was so excited, so motivated. I'd done my homework all year, had studied, knew everything.
I'm just so tired of blanking on exams. Which is why I'm considering corrective therapy. Apparently there are therapists at my school, so I'll be talking to my counselor about it.

Veronik